


Wide Awake

by thatsoccercoach



Series: Which Door? [22]
Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Gotham's Writing Workshop, PND (depression), Protective Jamie, family support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 04:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14926958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsoccercoach/pseuds/thatsoccercoach
Summary: Claire loves her baby. She does.





	Wide Awake

                                                       

 

It was the middle of the night and they were both still wide awake. Brianna was peaceful for once. She sucked on the pacifier in her mouth and lay there, cross-eyed, attempting to focus on her mama’s face. Claire was on her side, one arm tucked under her head to support herself, watching her second daughter.

She loved her. She _loved_ her. _She did_.

Trying desperately not compare her time with her two daughters, yet having no other experiences to draw upon, Claire was at a loss. She felt completely empty when it came to the baby beside her and she couldn’t help but think of how she’d felt with Faith.

Holding Faith for the first time had been like holding life itself encompassed in one tiny being. When she held Faith she had held the future and and counted it’s fingers and toes. And then she held Brianna. Bree with her round, cherubic cheeks and rolls of baby fat on her thighs.

She loved her. She _loved_ her. _She did_.

Then how come it didn’t feel like it?

When the doctor had handed their Faith to her, it had felt right. It was going to be the best part of their lives, the things to come. Except those things never _did_ seem to come with Bree. She never felt attached, never _needed_ to touch and snuggle her baby as she had Faith.

Then there was nursing, or more accurately, there wasn’t. She wasn’t sure there’d ever been anything as painful as trying to nurse Bree. When the lactation specialist had asked if she was “sore,” Claire had nearly strangled the woman. Sore did not begin to describe what she was feeling and she _knew_ what she ought to have been feeling! She persisted in trying to breastfeed, with little success, until Jamie was the one to stop her from trying any longer, gently reminding her that it wasn’t good for either Claire or Brianna to have this much pressure hinging on one thing.

Honestly, if Faith hadn’t required her attention, she probably wouldn’t have gotten up in the morning. She just wanted to sleep. Maybe if she could just do that, uninterrupted, things would get better and she’d feel normal again. She’d be able to do things right. Or maybe not. She didn’t know any more.

Brianna spat out her pacifier and waved her arms, still focused on Claire’s face, even in the dim light. She reached out, intending to scoop up the baby and rock her to sleep once more but a hand stopped her.

“ _Mo nighean donn_ ,” he whispered. “Why are ye not asleep?” He slowly stroked her shoulder but she remained rigid under his touch.

“I can’t,” she whispered back. “I just…I can’t.” She really couldn’t. There were _so many_ things she just couldn’t do right now.

“Ought ye to go down and get yerself a snack? Maybe wakin’ up all the way then going back to sleep will work,” he suggested gently. “I’ll rock the lass and put her to bed.”

“Jamie, you don’t have to patronize me. I can take care of myself. I’m a nurse for God’s sake!” She spat it out in a whisper that sounded venomous in spite of the quiet tone. It wasn’t what she meant to say at all. Definitely not what she _wanted_ to tell him.

What she wanted to tell him was that her brain knew she was falling apart inside but she couldn’t even feel it. That she was completely numb where she wanted to feel joy. She wanted him to know that the only thing she really felt an emotion for was the thought of sleep, not because she was tired from caring for the girls, but because she thought she could escape the mess of everything.

“I’m _so_ sorry,” she forced out before she could go any farther, before she’d say anything more that she’d later on regret. “I didn’t mean to snap and I know what you’re trying to say.” She rolled abruptly out of bed making it bounce the tiniest bit and prompting Brianna to spit out the pacifier. Pacing from one end of their room to the other she futilely tried to come up with the words for what was happening.

Jamie scooped Bree from their bed and swaddled her before padding to the door. “I’ll put her in the crib in the nursery tonight instead of the bassinet, here. I think it will be better for us all that way.”

“It’s not _her_ ,” his wife gestured to their youngest. “It’s not her fault. I love her. I _love_ her. _I do!_ ” Then she felt them, the tears on her cheeks, though she didn’t understand where they were coming from. She was praying that her husband would be able to believe her, to be able to _see_ her through all of the turbulence.

“Aye, I ken, Claire.”

And with only four words she felt peace touch the edge of her soul for the first time in a long while. He knew. He saw her.

He nudged her back to their bed before taking Brianna to her own. He settled their daughter, then he returned to care for his wife.

He sat and listened to her, nonsense and logic all in one lengthy conversation that he somehow sorted and made sense of. Jamie held her, reminding her what it was to feel. He reassured her and made plans for tackling the future; small plans like waking up tomorrow morning and calling her doctor, making sure to each three meals a day so she wouldn’t be just skin and bones, being sure to talk things out instead of shutting down.

And their baby, Brianna?

She loved her.

She _loved_ her.

 _She did_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Photo](http://www.babynameslog.com/original-baby-names-boys/)


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